The quest continues..

This weekend was an exercise in patience. I am learning how much control I (we) really do have in life. I have thus far been uncertain of who is/was the ultimate authority in my life .. you know .. the soundless voice that I hear in my head .. the one that tells me that I should do this, or shouldn't do that. Is it the rules my mom taught me, the code by which I have chosen to live? Honor, loyalty, kindness and do unto others? I am where I am as a result of all the big and little choices I have made. Who and what am I answerable to? I have no idea.

I have managed to perceive the positive in most situations I have faced this week. I know that when another person is behaving in an unpleasant, cantankerous or difficult way, this is not in reaction to me, nor is it something that I need to absorb. This is their bad behaviour being displayed, nothing more or less. Previously, I have consistently absorbed and taken responsibility for others and their crap. I am glad, so very glad that I have veered off that path. What an utter waste of time and precious energy.

Jeff was discussing a possible move to NS with a relative, and the relative became nasty. The relative said terrible things. My first reaction was to become irate, I wanted, immediately, to "punish" that relative, to let him FEEL my wrath. But .. after some deep consideration and inward probing, I realized that the relatives words have absolutely NO IMPACT ON ME (or the kids or jeff). It is the relative's own emotional shit on display. Our actions did not warrant his words. He was just following the voice in his own head, and if I have learned ANYTHING in my lifetime, MY what I know for sure (get the reference??), it is that people create their own world, they make the choice of what to fill their world with. I ultimately make the choice of what I can fill my world with, and I choose to focus on the positive, the light and the love. Nothing else getting in.

I withdrew my angry plans of revenge and suggested that we allow the relative to wallow in his own stew of anger and resentment. We need not add to the situation, he appears to have it under control.

My mom always suggested that I imagine a bubble around myself, a bit of extra protection, if you will, from the negative energy that can swirl around all of us. So, I closed my eyes, and imagined the yummiest Bubbalicious (watermelon) I could think of, and I chewed about 10 pieces of it in my mind, then I blew a huge bubble and inserted myself inside the bubble. I am plan to stay in the bubble for a bit of time, I aim to see the world through a pink watermelon bubbalicious filter.

I am grateful for my brother, he is inspirational and so very interesting, after almost 40 years, I still like him. I appreciate and am grateful my friends, for my warm house. I am deeply grateful to be alive. Julian Speers is a miracle worker. I am a walking miracle. I am a survivor (and singing Destinys Child).

I am grateful Jeff and I have jobs. I am grateful that I have so many options in front of me that I am overwhelmed by them all. 100 years ago, 99 % of my current options would have been non existent. Thank you.

I want to make a difference in my little world, I want to pass on whatever goodness I have and harvest to my children, so that they know, intrinsically THEY KNOW they are loved beyond measure and appreciated beyond words. I want them to know that they are pure light and potential and the greatest source of pride and comfort I have ever known.

The unnamed relative will never know the joy of being truly loved by children because he closes his heart, and chooses only to see the burdens he carries (of his own making).

I need to watch What Dreams May Come again ..

I am proud of Virginia and Jeff for taking their health seriously, and for setting an awesome example of perseverance and dedication.

My last little thought was of an exboyfriend of mine (oh, my there are so many that were simply unworthy). When I dated him, I was in my emotional and physical prime. I had a great job (several throughout the course of our relationship), I had amazing girlfriends and an amazing support system (LOVE MY GIRLS!). I was hot .. in shape, smart, fun .. easy going, gainfully employed and YET .. he still screwed around and lied about absolutely everything. Back then, I thought it was me, my fault, if I had only, or if I looked this way, or had said this, or maybe if I had .. I internalized all of his shit because certainly I MUST have contributed in some way to his absolutely atrocious behaviour. In retrospect, i KNOW, it was not me, it was all him, acting out from his own insecurities, his own lack of self worth, and self respect. I did nothing to warrant his behaviour, but, what i did do, was allow it to continue. Through my lack of self respect, I allowed him to treat me the way that he did. I sometimes provided him with appropriate excuses. I don't hold anger anymore, I was able to work through that recently. The saddest part of that little scenario is he is EXACTLY the same person, doing EXACTLY the same thing to other unsuspecting women. Perpetuating more of his pain. I am glad I realized that it was all him, not me, even if it took me 15 years to do it.

Back to the positive ... I am glad I married Jeff. I am glad we have children together. I am glad that I did not get all the things I thought I wanted during the foggier days of my youth.

I am so happy that we have a shiny YMCA around the corner from the house. Be well .. think happy, grateful thoughts and know that you are worthy of all the riches (emotional and otherwise) that our glorious world offers. I honor the beauty we too often ignore and hope I can continue to bring it out .. little bit by little bit.

Namaste